I’ve left the bank and now I’m officially self-employed.Today was my first day at home and it was horrendous I still get dressed every day as if I’m going to work I go shopping just to fill my days. I’ve lost any focus in my life.12 September 1993: I’ve been sent on an out-placement course and my consultant is being really encouraging. I’m being helped with my CV and advised on different options. I admitted that I’d actually wanted to be self-employed but never had the bottle to go through with it.

All I can do is sit on the sofa and think: “What the hell is going to happen to me? I’m never going to get another job. If the bank doesn’t want me, who else will?” Finance is my biggest fear – I’ve got a mortgage and no one to depend on I’m worried I’ll lose my house I’m at rock bottom. If someone asks me a simple question, even what sort of sandwich I want, I just can’t make up my mind. I feel numb.9 August 1993: I feel so upset and I can’t stop crying. I’m really enjoying the challenge.March 1996: I don’t regret leaving Nationwide but I would never have left voluntarily.

I do miss the idea of working my way up a company – if I went in again I’d have to start from the bottom At the moment, I haven’t really got anything to aim for. When you work for yourself, everything is on a much smaller scale. I also wish I still had the responsibility – I really enjoyed managing people.Funnily enough, I feel more angry now than I did when I was first made redundant It didn’t really hit me back then Day to day I think I’ve tried to deny the effects. It was my one and only job since college and it all started and finished in one place In some ways it was like ending a relationship. If they had valued me they could have offered me something better.niki pountney, 32Niki worked as a training officer for a bank in Warwick until she was made redundant two and a half years ago. Now she is a self-employed training consultant working for half a dozen or so different companies.REDUNDANCY DAY 2 August 1993: Today my manager told me there would be about 200 redundancies in my department and I was one of them I went into silent mode I didn’t know what to do, whether to ask questions or cry I am in complete shock The past two days have been a fog.

But now Lisa and I are starting our business, making sandwiches and delivering them to businesses and industrial parks. It’s exciting to get my teeth into a new venture: organising the books, dealing with environmental health officers, promoting our service. I’m quickly losing respect for my managers because I don’t feel they’re handling this as well as they could It’s terrible to keep us hanging on like this We’re beginning to feel angry and resentful. I keep thinking, “Why me?” and “What did I do to deserve this treatment?”.We’ve had estate agents in our building measuring the office up to sell it and still nobody has communicated with us. If we do lose our jobs, my job-share partner Lisa and I have been talking about the possibility of setting up a small business.REDUNDANCY DAY 30 April 1995: We’ve been told as a group that they’re moving our department to Guildford.

I had a talk with my managers and they offered me a post three grades lower than my current one and a salary that will be reduced over the next couple of years. I’m not prepared to accept their offer and have taken redundancy When they told me, it didn’t come as a surprise. I feel the worst part is over – the months of waiting and not knowing. I don’t regret my decision although I do feel angry with my managers.